The wheels in my head go 'round and 'round

    In an effort to save money (a repetative and required event in most of our lives), I decided at the beginning of the semester to ride the public bus everyday to school. This saved me from potentially spending $500.00 on a campus parking pass. Can you believe that is how much one parking pass costs?! I couldn't bear to pay that much, regardless of how close I would be, but I'm having second thoughts. 
    My adventures, as I would like to optimistically call them, on Public Transport have been anything but enjoyable.  I have had jobs serving the "salt of the earth" type people, where your average joe was at the poverty line, one that I was accustomed to for a couple years myself.  At the time, I was a gas station attendant at a locally owned rural country town station where most of the people coming in were minimum wage locals and ranch hands.  I surprisingly loved my time there.  I had the opportunity to meet some of the toughest people I know, and they all shared a common brotherhood and sense of humor. Riding the bus, however, is much different.  I do not want to make too many generalizations, due to the fact that I don't know the in's and out's of these people's lives, how they got to where they are now, or what they do with their days, but it appears as if everyone hates their lives.  If they look happy, it is because they are drunk or on a drug of some sort and should be avoided.  If they are angry, they are extremely volatile and unpredictable and should be avoided.  I saw a man punch another man because he ate his last piece of gum instead of giving it to the other.  To someone who hasn't seen the events I witness everyday, it may come across as being pretentious or judgemental, but to one present, they may start to agree with my observations. 
   I usually put up with the haughty glances speared my way, due to my ironed button up shirt or my phone, but I'm quickly becoming more hardened to the bus riders of Albuquerque.  Just as I don't tell someone seemingly sketchy looking "No you can't have a dollar because you'd just spend it on alcohol," don't you dare look at me like I'm some parent funded billionaire who hates everyone who is a different color.  It bugs me that when I am asked for spare change and I reply "No, I don't carry any cash, sorry," they look at me like yeah, yeah I've heard that before. 
   First and foremost, I want to apologise to Mr. Bum for lying to him. I, in fact, do not carry any cash, but I am not sorry and I will tell you why.  There are just under 75 programs here in the Metro area of Albuquerque alone; Programs that will feed, clothe, bathe, and sustain you until you get back up on your feet.  There are drug rehabilitation programs for someone with nothing, someone with a little in their pockets, and the wealthy.  There are programs that will build you a sustainable lifestyle and help anyone out (regardless of homeless status) with just about anything.  So when you come up to me, someone who works every day and goes to school, busting my butt to attain a better lifestyle and who is broke because of it, pardon me if I don't give you one of the last 3 dollars in my bank account (true story $3.17).  Sure "its for the bus," but why do you think I am out here with you? Why do you think that I chose to wait the extra time every day and be looked down upon by people who assume they know my life?  At risk of sounding like a Jerry Springer episode here, I'm going to sum up the fact that I don't think I will give anyone accosting me for a dollar any money.  Sorry if you truly need a dollar to ride the bus, I can refer you to a program that can give you a free pass (that we probably pay for anyways).  I'm just fed up with people talking about me, two seats away, like I can't hear them, and not giving me the same considerations I give them.  I'm sorry that you probably made poor life decisions to put you where you are sitting right now.  I am sorry that we live in a world with no go backs, but you have today, you have yourself, and you have the ability to take personal responsibility for your own decisions.  Make a change, don't ask for some. BAM! That's tee shirt worthy material.

If anyone is curious about what programs we have available or if you have a wild urge to volunteer, let me know and I can get localized info to you.

Winter is Coming

When I get upset I call house rules on no paragraph necessary. Don't judge.

When it comes to workspace politics, I wash my hands of it.  I wasn't born with a scheming mind on how to blame my mistakes on others or ways to self-promote at the expense of others.  I was always brought up to own your mistakes, and work as a team to help others.  Apparently, I am one of us rare few that aren't snakes when it comes to moving up in the workplace.  I feel like Ned Stark of The Game of Thrones, and my head is on the theoretical chopping block because I don't put up with games, people who play them, or hiding any of the two.  I call them as I see them and it makes people mad.  I will keep to myself unless someone starts messing with me or it is blatantly obvious that someone is being extorted.  Because of this, I have been called out and shamed for a couple minor mistakes when this same person I work with has repeatedly made errors, repeatedly come to me for help, and repeatedly complained to my boss about my mistakes.  I can't understand a person like this or how they can sleep at night, but one thing I know for sure is that you shouldn't mess with me.  Not for any violent or psychopathic reason (although tempting at this point) but because I will call you out, take ownership of my mistakes, and leave you trying to blame others for your own.  Problem is that this person is good, almost flawless at that game... so how do I fight back? Let me know what you think, because I'm lost.

Dirty Thirty

It is almost upon us, my thirtieth birthday. As of Monday, I will have lived for 30 years. It feels like 50! I'm excited because everyone I've talked to has told me that 30-40 is full of self confidence, and ridding yourself of the petty nonsense that troubled you in your 20's. I'm ready to shed all that guilt, body image hang ups, etc.

I'm not delusional, I know there will still be many issues to come. I feel like now, though, I'm officially ready to look back down the hill I've climbed and say goodbye. Maybe even set a few bridges on fire.

The highlight of my twenties was of course, my daughters. Having a child is like realizing that you've had hibernating super powers your whole life. It's as close to a spiritual experience as I've ever (and probably will ever) have.

The other highlight was meeting the group of people that I now count as family, including the gentleman who's blog I've hijacked, and Brett, the one I'm raising my children with. I don't know how I survived so long without friends. They are, as I've said, the family that I feel I've been able to hand pick, and they are my backbone.

So here's to it! Let's drink to:

-new journeys
-no nonsense
-elminating toxic people and environments
-letting go of self hatred
-forgiveness
-believing that we are deserving of all the wonderful things that exist and are to come
-hugs
-validation
and
-no longer hiding emotionally from people that want to love us

This is more than a birthday post. This is me saying that I am ready for what's next. Are you?

xx-C

I think, therefore I am (a fatso)

What the hell is with fat and skinny days?!

One day I will wake up and feel like a billion bucks. I am like, dude, you are so sexy I want to lick you. And then I lick myself. I mean, I can't reach very many things, certainly not anything that would benefit by being licked. But it just does my heart and shoulder good to be appreciated by yours truly in the morning. Skinny bitch of hotness.

Then the next day, when I am still 38% body fat, I feel every single percentage of that. HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ROLLS OF SUBCUTANEOUS FAT EVERYWHERE!? My pants, which fit the day before, have decided to mess with me and now don't button. My muffin top looks more like a portobello mushroom cap. How can the world turn to shit in one day? I will smash the next mirror I see. I am not exaggerating.

Bipolar denial syndrome demands that the third day I will be somewhere in between wanting to hump and kill myself. Stupid self-image issues. Pick a path already.

My own issues I can pretty much deal with. The problem I have is dealing with everyone else's psychoses. How exactly am I supposed to kvetch about my disgusting, lumpy body while talking to someone who is either larger than me OR has extremely worse body image than I do? Rude, is what that is. Or, that's what I think it is when I compliment a skeleton and she complains about her "fat." Oh, really? That flat tummy and bag of bones are gettin' you down? I'm sorry to hear that. I will just finish this donut and unbutton my jeans to be able to breathe the rest of the day. See ya!

The bottom line is no matter what you look like, you hate everything. It's a horrid cycle. I mean, there are some things you like, of course. I'm just saying that after you get what you thought you wanted, you will find something else to hate on. It's the nature of life. Continuous improvement and all that.

So I forgive you skinny, self-hating bitches, and I hope my voluptuous self-hating bitches forgive me for this blog. I also forgive myself for eating too many candy bars. For complaining too often about being fat but never doing any squats. For looking in the mirror with wonder and loathing. For being surprised and uncomfortable when someone compliments me and being vastly disappointed when someone doesn't.

Here's to lovin' the skin you're in (and avoiding reflective surfaces like a vampire when you wake up in one of those moods)!!!

Bring Your Bud to Blog Day! BYB2BD... Catchy.

Quick post:

I dropped the last cleanse diet thing. Four different people told me how dangerous it was and got in my head. Anyways, I am here to announce the first official "Bring Your Bud to Blog" day. No, this isn't about drunken blogging, which may prove to be of some worth (Hemingway did it, guys!) but that's another time.  A good friend of mine suggested that we trade blogs for a day. Was Freaky Friday her inspiration and if so, is she implying that I'm an annoying bucktoothed blond or a crack snorting ginger? Answers to these questions we will never know, but what we do know is that this weekend I will be hosting some different voices on my blog. Who knows what will be said? Tune in and find out! Mathematical!

Russell vs. Food

Here we go!

Words spoken by the one and only Peter Pan give me little solace as I repeat them to myself as a child chants before jumping off the high dive. I have decided to do a 5 day cleanse... specifically the "Master Cleanse." Of course, the cleanse I decided to do has to sound as bad ass as possible. The Master Cleanse consists of at least 60 oz. of liquid per day and a single serving contains:

· 2 TBS Lemon Juice

· 2 TBS "Grade B" Syrup (I'm using local Honey)

· 1/10th TSP Cayenne Pepper powder

· 10 oz. Filtered H2O

Now I know you're thinking "When does the fun stop?!" Well, if you're feeling daring, add some non-iodized sea salt for a natural laxative! Imagine how carefree and happy you’ll be like those people skipping on the commercials for tampons and stool softeners! Holy moly, this will be the last nail in the coffin of my social life beyond running distance from the toilet.

 

I have done a juice diet (which I plan to do once this cleanse is over) but just this mixture for five days will have me batty. I heard it makes things easier when you have plenty of busy work to consume your free time. Now I can finally try some of the hundreds, nay thousands, of Pinterest pins I have posted with every intention of following through on.

I currently weigh 167.2 pounds, but I am pretty sure gravity is a bit stronger today. I will make posting a regular thing though the next 5 days to keep you all up dated on my insanity and feel free to cheer me on!

Master Cleanse Website Info

Eat Mor Truth

Let me start out by stating that I don't have all the facts. I have only heard rumors of what really happened and one specific rumor stating that the whole jumbled controversy didn't hold water. So with that being noted, I have to throw in my own two cents about the dreaded Chic-fil-a issue. At first with the minimal amount of information I had, I was brandishing my pitchfork and getting my torch ready to burn every last chicken hut to the ground. However, after briefly browsing the issue and what was posted in the news I had a 180 degree turn on the whole thing.

To start, this is what I have heard to be true:

· Muppet toys were to be distributed in the Chic-fil-a equivalent to the happy meal.

· The CEO was asked what his stance on multiple subjects, including gay marriage.

· The CEO owning the rights to the Muppets took the payment given to them (payment for the Muppet toys) and gave it entirely to GLADD (Gays and Lesbians something something).

· Chic-fil-a then recalled all of the toys, claiming that they were unsafe even when there were no reported incidents involving the toys.

I have nothing, but respect for the CEO of Chic-fil-a for stating his point of view honestly when asked directly. I think especially in today's world of wishy washy values that just "go with the flow" of whatever is popular at the time, it is refreshing that someone is standing up for something.

Now while I think that it is absurd that gay couples don't have the same rights as straight couples do, this doesn't mean that the CEO of Chic-fil-a is an evil man. It means that he has an opposing viewpoint to my own. I can't get upset that he is using his free agency to choose a stand point just as I am using my own. I am so thankful that I can be with the one I love and not be afraid to let others know. That is just one of the reasons why I love America. I don't have to agree with him and he doesn't have to agree with me (but it would be nice if he did).

Now with that being said, I don't find it laudable to recall the Muppet toys (due to some alleged accidents that were never reported or recorded anywhere) after the proceeds were given to GLADD. I think that kind of undercut isn't Christ-like and actually polarizes people. This kind of division only perpetuates the struggles we face today and sets us (mankind) back a couple steps.

I have never been turned away from Chic-fil-a, no matter how big of a lisp I ordered in, and that right there is a sign that they aren't discriminating against me. I have never known any gay or lesbian who was denied their waffle fries and I even heard that they hire many gays and lesbians alike. So from where I am sitting, this was the opinion of one man (which doesn't even matter) that got blown out of proportion, to the point of his fast food chain being the symbol of hate towards gays everywhere. Let's all please take a step backwards, do a little homework and think with the left sides of our brains first.

Sure I know that they have given monetary contributions to organizations dubbed "anti-gay" as quoted in the following paragraph:

The fast food chain has taken heat in recent years for its political donations,    including $1.9 million to Exodus International, the National Christian Foundation, the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, the Family Research Council, the Marriage and Family Foundation, and the Georgia Family Council in 2010, according to a recent article in the Advocate.

(View Article)

Most of these Organizations are being villainized because of the fact that they don't agree with gay marriage due to a religious stance. THIS IS WHAT MAKES AMERICA GREAT. The ability to create private organizations like this and enjoy the similar freedoms is what is keeping my feet planted here. Do we (homosexuals) not have numerous organizations of our own where we can seek support to our own beliefs? Yet it has to be Good vs Bad from whichever side of the fence you're on. I don't get it. How can both sides be so pro love and acceptance only to hate and reject each other. I am so grossed out at this mess all in the name of love. Its a joke, but I could go on and on about that.



Finally, just to show that you never can trust a bunch of hear say, I have been reading that the whole thing wasn't even related to the Muppets, being as of 2004 when the CEO of the Jim Henson company sold the rights of the Muppets to Disney (who I guess still hasn't commented on the whole mess). So who even knows what the truth is.

My final point is even if the CEO of Chic-fil-a was skipping down the street with Rick Santorum (who I can safely say is one of the biggest douches I know of) that doesn't change the fact that he makes some damned good chicken (even if chicken little didn't have a beak and was tortured all of its life). If you're curious here's a link to a backed up source.

BE OPEN. BE UNFALTERING. STAY HUNGRY.

A Welcomed Return

I just remembered I have a blog. A good friend has written a couple of really good blog entries and I said to myself,
                  "Self, time to make a blog."
I stumbled back across this little treasure chest of blog entries I had written in a really dark time in my life. Upon reading each one, I can see some things never change and others gratefully have.


I feel like a little boy going to a confessional booth or coming clean about something, but it may just be starting up pouring my semi-composed thoughts and feeling out onto paper... well, not paper, but you get what I mean.


My last blog entry was in 2010 when I was single and in many different ways alone. It is obvious to me the pain that was behind a lot of the words in the entries. I am blessed to say that I am in a different place today.

                 

     

Drew and I have been boyfriends for a couple eternities now and I can say I was carrying my burdens on my own just fine, but the load is so much lighter with someone who cares about you.

My finances are still in turmoil and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be in the little life map I had for myself in my head. I'm losing my hair and have put on a little weight, but all in all I'm proud to say that I am so much happier than I ever was before. It is a weird thing to say, being that I have just lost my job and am hanging on by a thread, but I really feel a greater sense of   "wholeness" than I ever have before.

I believe that I have fought tooth and nail to get to where I am today, both emotionally and morally. It took being brought to the lowest point in my life to build back up from the dust and ashes of who I thought I was and what I thought I believed. It was only then I was ready to establish a new foundation, upon which I would build a more honest and genuine identity.


I am not exaggerating by saying I was on the cusp of  losing my sanity. I had already been wading in depression to the point of not eating, going to work, or caring what happened to me. I knew out of the respect I had for those around me that I could never commit suicide (or at least that's how I kept those thoughts at bay) but    I didn't care  what happened to me or my life. I was crumbling inside, decaying in my skin and there wasn't any God, man, or beast that could fish my soul out from the depths.


I think it was when I was brought so low, after all was laid to waste, that I could find a small mustard seed of faith that things would get better somehow... a seed that could give birth to who I really was. I write today as a  happy homosexual man who recognizes the uncertainty in both life and religion, and what it means to truely be comfortable in my own skin.


There is so much information and discovery that consumes my mind in those small moments right before bed or in the quiet of the day, when I try to process the subjectivity of right and wrong. I am still working through it and have so much to learn. I feel like a baby bird crying for sustenance from the experience of elders and peers and I know there is so much more out there untouched. In a lot of ways I think we need to recognize that each moment we are but newborns in what we think and we should never stop the pursuit of unbiased truth.

Be open, be unfaltering, stay hungry.