I think, therefore I am (a fatso)

What the hell is with fat and skinny days?!

One day I will wake up and feel like a billion bucks. I am like, dude, you are so sexy I want to lick you. And then I lick myself. I mean, I can't reach very many things, certainly not anything that would benefit by being licked. But it just does my heart and shoulder good to be appreciated by yours truly in the morning. Skinny bitch of hotness.

Then the next day, when I am still 38% body fat, I feel every single percentage of that. HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ROLLS OF SUBCUTANEOUS FAT EVERYWHERE!? My pants, which fit the day before, have decided to mess with me and now don't button. My muffin top looks more like a portobello mushroom cap. How can the world turn to shit in one day? I will smash the next mirror I see. I am not exaggerating.

Bipolar denial syndrome demands that the third day I will be somewhere in between wanting to hump and kill myself. Stupid self-image issues. Pick a path already.

My own issues I can pretty much deal with. The problem I have is dealing with everyone else's psychoses. How exactly am I supposed to kvetch about my disgusting, lumpy body while talking to someone who is either larger than me OR has extremely worse body image than I do? Rude, is what that is. Or, that's what I think it is when I compliment a skeleton and she complains about her "fat." Oh, really? That flat tummy and bag of bones are gettin' you down? I'm sorry to hear that. I will just finish this donut and unbutton my jeans to be able to breathe the rest of the day. See ya!

The bottom line is no matter what you look like, you hate everything. It's a horrid cycle. I mean, there are some things you like, of course. I'm just saying that after you get what you thought you wanted, you will find something else to hate on. It's the nature of life. Continuous improvement and all that.

So I forgive you skinny, self-hating bitches, and I hope my voluptuous self-hating bitches forgive me for this blog. I also forgive myself for eating too many candy bars. For complaining too often about being fat but never doing any squats. For looking in the mirror with wonder and loathing. For being surprised and uncomfortable when someone compliments me and being vastly disappointed when someone doesn't.

Here's to lovin' the skin you're in (and avoiding reflective surfaces like a vampire when you wake up in one of those moods)!!!