"Self, time to make a blog."
I stumbled back across this little treasure chest of blog entries I had written in a really dark time in my life. Upon reading each one, I can see some things never change and others gratefully have.
I feel like a little boy going to a confessional booth or coming clean about something, but it may just be starting up pouring my semi-composed thoughts and feeling out onto paper... well, not paper, but you get what I mean.
My last blog entry was in 2010 when I was single and in many different ways alone. It is obvious to me the pain that was behind a lot of the words in the entries. I am blessed to say that I am in a different place today.
Drew and I have been boyfriends for a couple eternities now and I can say I was carrying my burdens on my own just fine, but the load is so much lighter with someone who cares about you.
My finances are still in turmoil
and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be in the little life map I had
for myself in my head. I'm losing my hair and have put on a little weight, but
all in all I'm proud to say that I am so much happier than I ever was before.
It is a weird thing to say, being that I have just lost my job and am hanging on
by a thread, but I really feel a greater sense of "wholeness" than I
ever have before.
I believe that I have fought tooth and nail to get to where I am today, both emotionally and morally. It took being brought to the lowest point in my life to build back up from the dust and ashes of who I thought I was and what I thought I believed. It was only then I was ready to establish a new foundation, upon which I would build a more honest and genuine identity.
I am not exaggerating by saying I was on the cusp of losing my sanity. I had already been wading in depression to the point of not eating, going to work, or caring what happened to me. I knew out of the respect I had for those around me that I could never commit suicide (or at least that's how I kept those thoughts at bay) but I didn't care what happened to me or my life. I was crumbling inside, decaying in my skin and there wasn't any God, man, or beast that could fish my soul out from the depths.
I think it was when I was brought so low, after all was laid to waste, that I could find a small mustard seed of faith that things would get better somehow... a seed that could give birth to who I really was. I write today as a happy homosexual man who recognizes the uncertainty in both life and religion, and what it means to truely be comfortable in my own skin.
There is so much information and discovery that consumes my mind in those small moments right before bed or in the quiet of the day, when I try to process the subjectivity of right and wrong. I am still working through it and have so much to learn. I feel like a baby bird crying for sustenance from the experience of elders and peers and I know there is so much more out there untouched. In a lot of ways I think we need to recognize that each moment we are but newborns in what we think and we should never stop the pursuit of unbiased truth.
Be open, be unfaltering,
stay hungry.
